from John Piper

Don't miss the Summary and Applications at the end. This is right where we live.

When Jesus Meets Disability: How a Christian Hedonist Handles Deep Disappointment

The Works of God Conference

God's Good Design in Disability

November 8, 2012 | by John Piper | Topic: Christian Hedonism | Conference: 2012 Works of God Conference

A Christian Hedonist believes that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him. As Jonathan Edwards says,

God is glorified not only by his glory’s being seen, but by its being rejoiced in.  When those that see it delight in it, God is more glorified than if they only see it.  His glory is then received by the whole soul, both by the understanding and by the heart.¹

Which means that we can never reduce God-glorifying obedience to the actions of our body or our reason. God-glorifying obedience always includes the state of the heart.

[As Paul said,] Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. (2 Corinthians 9:7)

We can never reduce the virtue of giving to the act of giving. God loves a “cheerful giver.” He is more honored by joyful, hearty giving than by constrained, begrudging giving. And so it is with all our acts of love.

If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. (1 Corinthians 13:3)

Physical actions alone, even the offering our bodies to be burned for others, are not glorifying to God where joy in him — treasuring him — is not the ground and goal of our actions.

The Sorrow of Deep Disappointment

So this puts a very high premium on the state of our hearts. Which makes the issue of profound disappointment with all its sorrows especially urgent. How does a Christian Hedonist experience the sorrows of deep disappointment? The shock of a baby born with multiple disabilities? The jolt of an accident that leaves you paralyzed for life? The experience of growing up from birth to adulthood on a path of fifty surgeries? A marriage dominated by the never-ending vigilance over a child, then an adolescent, then an adult, who can’t care for himself? The onset of a disease that gradually takes away your muscles till all you can move is your eyelids?

I take it as a given that these things cause sorrow, grief, pain, heartache, groaning, frustration, and deep and long-term disappointment. The Bible has much to say about how to think about suffering, and how to deal with suffering. But the Bible never denies that there is suffering. It never denies that Christians experience the powerful emotional effects of suffering: we groan, and we hurt, and we weep.

So my question, then, becomes, how is all this sorrow and grief and pain and heartache and groaning and frustration and disappointment experienced by the Christian Hedonist? By the person who believes that God is glorified most in all of us when we are most satisfied in him?

The Preciousness of God's Sovereignty

So my focus in this message is mainly on the inner-workings of the Christian soul, not mainly on the theological foundations of God’s sovereignty. It is true that, without God’s sovereignty over disability, the inner-workings of the soul that I am going to talk about would be impossible. So I will say a word about it. But mainly I want to describe from the Bible the paradoxical emotional experience for disappointed saints who believe that God is most glorified in them when they are most satisfied in him.

The reason the inner-workings of the Christian soul are not possible without the sovereignty of God is that the strength of hope and peace and joy and contentment and gladness and satisfaction and delight in God that sustain the soul in sorrows of life-long disappointment are rooted in the confidence that God has the authority, the freedom, the wisdom, and the power to accomplish all the good he has promised to do for his embattled children. In other words, no obstacle in nature, no obstacle in Satan, no obstacle in the failures and sins of man can stop God from making all my experiences, all my brokenness, all my adversaries, serve my eternal wholeness and joy. If you listen carefully to that, you can hear that my exuberance for God's sovereignty rests not mainly on his causality in the past but mainly on his powerful capacities in the future. In other words, the main reason God's sovereignty is precious is that he has power to fulfill impossible promises to me in my seemingly hopeless condition. His ruling the past, including my brokenness, is simply a pre-condition of this hope-filled power.

So let me give a very brief glimpse at this sovereignty.

In His Hands

One of the most sweeping and foundational texts on the sovereignty of God deals directly with disabilities. In Exodus 4:11 God answers Moses’ fear that his eloquence is insufficient for the task, “The Lord said to him, ‘Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord?’” Disability of speech impediments, disability of deafness, disability of blindness — God says, are in his hands to give and to remove.

To which we may respond by asking: What about natural causes? What about Satan? What about the sins of others against us, or even our own sin? And the answer is that these are real, but that none is finally decisive. If any of these play a role in our disability — and they do — they do so within God’s sovereign plan.

For example, Romans 8:22–23 makes it clear that our physical groaning with disease and disability is owing to the fact that our bodies share in the fall of all nature into futility.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.

So one cause of our physical and mental brokenness is that we share with the whole creation in its subjection to futility. But that creation is under the detailed governance of God. Last Sunday I preached² on this and gave texts to show that the roll of the dice, the fall of a bird, the crawl of a worm, the movement of stars, the fall of snow, the blowing of wind, the loss of sight, the suffering of saints, and the death of every person are included in the word of God: “I will accomplish all my purpose” (Isaiah 46:10). And in the word “He works all things according to the counsel of his will” (Ephesians 1:11).

So yes, there are natural causes for our disabilities, but none of these natural causes is ultimate, none is finally decisive. God is.

Under God's Governance

So it is with Satan. He is real. And he is involved in damaging and hurting God’s people, including physically and mentally (Acts 10:38). But he is under God’s governance. In the book of Job Satan must come to God for permission to hurt Job (1:12; 2:6). And when he has done his work, striking Job with loathsome sores (2:7), Job says, “Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?”(2:10). And the inspired author of the book says, “In all this Job did not sin with his lips” (2:10). And later said that Job was comforted “for all the evil that the Lord had brought upon him” (42:11).

So, yes, Satan is real and no doubt has a hand in causing many diseases and disabilities. But he can do nothing without God’s permission. And what God foreknows and permits, he plans. And what he plans for his children is always for their good.

Even Sin and Its Effects

And so it is with sins. We may smoke our way into emphysema, or we may lose a leg because a drunk driver crashes into us. But neither our sins nor the sins of another are finally decisive in what happens to us. God is. And the Christian may write over every attack of nature, Satan, or sin the words of Genesis 50:20, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.” And the reason we can say this, even though we are undeserving sinners, is that God said it first over all the sins that brought his son to the cross for us. Herod, Pilate, cruel soldiers, shouting crowds — you meant my son's execution for evil, but I meant it for good (Acts 4:27–28). That's the foundation of all the good God promises in and through our disabilities.

And the good God has in mind for his children is has an immeasurable number of layers. He means it for greater faith: 2 Corinthians 1:9, “We felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.” He means it for greater righteousness: Hebrews 12:11, “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” He means it for greater hope: Romans 5:3–4, “We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.” He means it for the greater experience of the glory of God: 2 Corinthians 4:17, “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.”

You, Satan, you, natural causes, you, sinner — you all meant my disability for evil, but God meant it for good — the good of greater faith, the good of greater righteousness, the good of greater hope, the good of greater glory. Or, as John 9:3 says, don’t even consider secondary causes: “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

Only God Is Decisive

So this conference is based on the conviction that even though nature and Satan and sin may have a hand in disability, and should be resisted with prayer and truth and medicine, nevertheless, they are not decisive. God is.

And therein lies, for us, not mainly a theological problem with the past, but an invincible hope for the future. If God is sovereign then nothing is too hard for him. And by the blood of his son he has promised infallibly: I will meet all your needs according to my riches in glory in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19). My power will be made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). I will strengthen you and help you and hold you up with my righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10). “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). I will not let any testing befall you for which I do not give you grace to bear (1 Corinthians 10:13).And I will take the sting away from your death with the blood of my son (1 Corinthians 15:55f). And I will raise you from the dead imperishable (1 Corinthians 15:52), and I will “transform your lowly body to be like my glorious body, by the power that enables me even to subject all things to myself” (Philippians 3:21).

And I will do this without fail because I am absolutely sovereign over everything and therefore, “I can do all things, and no purpose of mine can be thwarted” (Job 42:2). This is the foundation of our hope and the key to the inner-workings of the Christian soul. 

How Christian Hedonists Grieve

So that is what I turn to now: What is it like for a Christian Hedonist to experience the sorrows of deep, long-term disappointment in view of this kind of news? Or, more specifically, what is it like for a Christian Hedonist to grieve deeply, sorrow deeply, hurt deeply, and yet never relent from the conviction that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him?

One true and inadequate answer to the question of how the sorrow of disability relates to the pursuit of joy in God is that they are sequential. We move from sorrow into joy and from joy into sorrow. Each is real, and each occupies our heart and different times. For example,Psalm 30:5 says, “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” So there is a season of sorrow followed by a season of joy. (See also John 16:22)

That’s true. There are seasons of weeping followed by seasons of great rejoicing. But if we stopped with that, it would be very superficial. It wouldn’t account for the deepest inner-workings of the Christian soul. The question would remain: During those times of weeping, can God be glorified also by a simultaneous (not sequential) experience of satisfaction in God, a simultaneous joy?

Simultaneous Rejoicing

That is the paradoxical emotional experience for disappointed saints that I want to point out from Scripture. The clearest expression of it is in 2 Corinthians 6:10 where Paul says, we are regarded as “sorrowful yet always rejoicing.” Which is followed by “as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything” (2 Corinthians 6:10). Paul really means it when he says that he is sorrowful. The word (lupeo and congnates) is used 18 times in 2 Corinthians. This is Paul’s most grieving letter.

And well should he sorrow when you read the list of his burdens:

We commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities . . . imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger” (2 Corinthians 6:4–5). “. . . with countless beatings, and often near death. 24 Five times I received at the hands of the Jews the forty lashes less one. 25 Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea; 26 on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers; 27 in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure.” (2 Corinthians 11:23–27).

When he says in 2 Corinthians 6:10 “sorrowful yet always rejoicing,” he means real sorrow. Real grief. Real pain. Not physical pain, but the emotional effect of pain. This is a real psychological state of Paul which we usually consider the opposite of joy. Sorrow tarries for the night; joy comes in the morning.

But that is not what Paul says here. He says, “Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing.” In other words, he really meant it in Philippians 4:4 when he wrote, “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.” He meant it when he wrote in 1 Thessalonians 5:16, “Rejoicealways.”

A Paradox of Christian Experience

This is not a sequence of sorrow and joy. This is simultaneous sorrow and joy. Charles Hodge comments on this passage:

This is one of the paradoxes of Christian experience. The believer has more true joy in sorrow, than the world can every afford. The sense of the love of God, assurance of his support, confidence in future blessedness, and the persuasion that his present light afflictions shall work out for him a far more exceeding and and eternal weight of glory mingled with his sorrows, and give the suffering child of God a peace that passes all understanding. He would not exchange his lot with that of the most prosperous of the children of this world. (Commentary on 2 Corinthians, 164)

“Sorrowful yet always rejoicing” — this is the paradoxical emotional experience for disappointed saints. Paul is testifying that sorrow and joy are both possible at the same time in the same soul.

Same Time, Same Heart

Here is another example of it. This hits very close to home for any of us who may have family members or people we care about very deeply who are not saved. Paul says inRomans 9:1-3

I am speaking the truth in Christ—I am not lying; my conscience bears me witness in the Holy Spirit— that I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. 3 For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsmen according to the flesh.

“I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish.” Has Paul forgotten what he wrote: "Rejoice always, and again I says rejoice!" There is no reason to think he has. If you asked him, I do not doubt that what he would say is: “Anguished, yet always rejoicing.” Unceasing anguish. Unceasing joy. Not sequential, but simultaneous.

From a different angle he says the same thing in Romans 12:15, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” You might think that this can be sequential. But not really. The more people you know, and the more you care, the less sequential this can be. Right now you can probably think of someone you care about who is grieving. And you can think of someone you care about who is rejoicing. Paul’s testimony is that we can have deeply felt empathy for both of these people at the same time, in the same heart.

Discipline and Delight

This paradoxical experience of the Christian soul is less surprising when you realize that in the Scripture God himself is pictured as having this same capacity for paradoxical emotions. Consider Proverbs 3:11–12 which is quoted in Hebrews 12:5–6,

My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, 12 for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.

It’s the word “delights” that captures our attention. Because it’s in tension with “the Lord reproves him.” It won’t work to say that he is reproving the behavior and delighting in the person. No, he is reproving the person and delighting in the person. God can and does delight in us because of Christ and because of evidences of his own grace in our lives. But he also sees our defects and does not delight in them. God has pleasure in me, and displeasure in me at the same time. In fact, I would say, it is his pleasure in me because of Christ, that keeps his displeasure from being contempt, and makes it healing.

So let me draw the pieces together in a conclusion and then give you five applications.

A Summary Statement

God is so sovereign over the disasters and disappointments of our lives that he is able to make everyone of them serve our everlasting joy in him. This sovereign grace is the ground of our joy in the sorrows of deep disappointment. Not merely the ground of our joy after the sorrows of disappointment (as true as that is), but in the sorrows of disappointment. The Christian Hedonist does not merely pursue joy after sorrow. He pursues it in sorrow, in disappointment. His watchword in this life is 2 Corinthians 6:10, “Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing.”

Five Applications

1. If you experience this paradox of emotions (sorrowful yet always rejoicing) you will never have to pretend. Your sorrow will be real. And your joy will be real. You won’t ever have to be ashamed of saying, “I am very sad,” because it will not contradict, “I am very glad.”
2. If you experience this paradox of emotions (sorrowful, yet always rejoicing), you will be able to bear the weight of sorrow that is inevitable in a world of so much sin and brokenness. The joy you know, in the very moment of heavy sorrow, will keep that sorrow from crushing you. It doesn’t make your sorrow less weighty. But it does make your sorrow less destructive.
3. If you experience this paradox of emotions (sorrowful, yet always rejoicing), your sorrow will not ruin the joy of others, and your joy will not offend the sorrow of others. Your joy will be deep with its roots in the springs of God’s grace — the very same grace that sorrowing souls need. And your sorrow will not be morose or gloomy or self-pitying. It will have real love in it that cares for the good of others, and will not ruin anyone’s party.
4. If you experience this paradox of emotions (sorrowful, yet always rejoicing), the ministries of your church — from the worship service, to the youth group, to the ministry of disability — will be free from silliness and trifling, and will have the aroma of Christ, with his wonderful paradoxes. The aroma of Christ who wept over Jerusalem: “Would that you, even you, had known on this day the things that make for peace! But now they are hidden from your eyes” (Luke 19:41–42). Yet who “rejoiced in the Holy Spirit and said, ‘I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children’” (Luke 10:21). He wept and he rejoiced over the same city in the same condition. The spirit that will pervade your church will be a joyful seriousness, and a serious joyfulness.
5. If you experience this paradox of emotions (sorrowful, yet always rejoicing), the beauty and worth of Christ will always be exalted — because you are always rejoicing in him (and he is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in him) — and the ugliness of sin and all its effects will be shown for they are — because your glad and healthy heart is made sorrowful by it.

Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing. May the Lord work this paradox — this miracle — in our lives.

By John Piper. ©2012 Desiring God Foundation. Website: desiringGod.org

http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/conference-messages/when-jesus-meets-disability-how-a-christian-hedonist-handles-deep-disappointment

Definitely Works for Autism

Yep. Just replace "cancer" with your particular life-altering hardship.

[via xkcd]

Dreams of a Father

- from Jeremy

We dream dreams for our children, do we not? As with any starting point in life, we have expectations for the progress and outcome when we are preparing for the birth of a new baby. There are hopes and ambitions - each one different from our neighbor and each one the same in some large points. I am no different.

I dreamed for Olivia that she would blossom into the same beautiful flower that her mother is. That she would be generous and loyal - that she would esteem family and home above all else and foster an environment of of joy and devotion as her mother has done. I dreamed that she would someday find a man, a tall and powerful man who was capable and kind, and who would be as stalwart in his love of her as in his love for Jesus. In my dream she would be a loving mother who brought her children to see their grandfather to be doted over and indulged.

I dreamed for Jack that he would grow into a man of action and kindness. That he would be enterprising in his service to God and others. And that he would be blessed with a wife of beauty and compassion, who would buttress him in the ways that he was weak and encourage him in the ways that he was strong. That he would lead his home and be an example to his friends. And that he too would bring his children to the old homestead to receive the same well-intentioned counsel that he had come to value from the moody old man.

I dreamed for Josiah that he would follow his brother in resolution and goodness. That he would be the physical and emotional presence that his namesake, my father, is so well known as. I dreamed that he would be powerful of mind and constitution, and that he would uphold his father as he had been upheld in youth. That he would find a wife to be his match and his temporal salvation, and that they would raise up ever more grandchildren to play and fuss at holidays while Christy and I looked on.

I dreamed for Jalen that he would be a powerful and striking man of universal appeal. That he would have the perspective of white culture with the pride of black culture. That he would share in my love of hip-hop and his mother's love of gospel. That he would be a mender of hearts and a builder of alliances. And that he would find a lovely wife who would be the counterpoint to him in every beneficial way. Maybe I dreamed in a little more detailed manner for him owing to the nature of his entrance into our home.

I dreamed for Judah that he would mirror the vivacity and solidarity of his childhood home with his adult life. That he would be fierce in his love for his siblings and parents, and that the strength which he drew therefrom would be the seed of greatness in the family he would found on his own. That he would seek a wife who would not only love and embrace him as a man, but also yearn for connection with his people and heritage. And of course, that he would bring many children into his home to share in the dynamism and love of a large family.

I try not to think about what might have been,
'cause that was then.
And we have taken different roads.

As I look at Josiah on a night like tonight, my love for him is as big as the cold, starry sky. He is six and a powerful boy physically. He evidences a love for Christy and I that matches ours for him. He runs to us and looks deep in our eyes. He laughs and laughs and we laugh back and reach for him and delight to hold him close for just a split second before he's off again. He jumps on the bed that we're laying on and we reach for him with hand and foot to keep him from toppling over the footboard or slipping off the edge. We try to catch his attention and give one another a kiss to make him giggle and shriek. He will never know the dreams I dreamed for him, and I wish I had never been so presumptuous about the future.

Jalen is another matter on paper, but no different in my heart. His narrow little world of words lacking true meaning and actions without thought may never be the same world I live in. He is beautiful in soul and appearance, and he loves music, but if he is ever to be a leader and a husband then we will need an unprecedented miracle. He is smart to be sure, maybe brilliant - not in ways that mean fame and fortune, but in ways that may mean productivity rather than isolation. I love him dearly and am so glad to have him in our family, but my feelings are always ringed with a gossamer halo of regret for the dreams that I had.

For the other three children, my dreams have changed. Now they are more of a pleading reaction to my nightmares. I hope that they will find it in their adult hearts to care for the brothers of their childhood. I pray that they will be tender to their brothers' needs and forgiving of their difficulties. I hope for and encourage them to find a mate that will be kind and generous to my precious and vulnerable babies. My dreams have gone from bright, bold ambitions of glory and blessing for each to plaintive, quavering hopes that they will forsake themselves for the good of the least of these their brethren. My chest tightens even at this writing to think of what has been taken from me - my dreams.

We can't go back again
There's no use givin' in
And there's no way to know
What might have been.

Beauty in Suffering: Honoring Joseph

- from Christy

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing . . . Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him." James 1:2, 12

People often ask us, "How do you do it?" How do you face what God has called you to with a spirit of faithfulness and a desire to be joyful no matter what? We of course share our complete inability without the sustaining grace of our Heavenly Father, but we also share the fact that we know God has been preparing us, for many years, individually and as a couple to face the trials and joys of Autism. Yep, you heard me right. There can be joy and indescribable beauty in suffering, and one of the ways God taught me this was through the joy and heartache of losing Joseph.

Joseph Todd Nance was born on July 6, 2005. He surprised his parents Tommy and Stefanie by arriving prematurely during their summer beach trip. After a helicopter ride to a hospital equipped to care for a baby being born six weeks early, Stefanie gave birth all alone to their first born. When they returned home, they set out on the adventure of all first time parents of learning to care for and love their baby boy. They could have been considered more cautious than most, documenting every feeding, every time they gave him gas drops, every diaper change, and the time and length of every single moment that Joseph slept. They were meticulous, and cautious, and superb at being Daddy and Mommy to their precious Boo. 

I had grown up beside Stefanie's family my entire life. She knew my love for children and she knew my experience with caring for a premature baby. Our Jack had been born ten weeks early, and he spent the first six weeks of his life at Duke. I was thrilled when Tommy and Stefanie asked me if I was interested in caring for Joseph when Stefanie returned to work. They knew that I would care for Joseph like he was my own, and our children Olivia and Jack were excited to have a new baby and future playmate at our house. Joseph provided me that fulfillment that I longed for that comes from caring for a new baby. And so we settled into our routine of early morning pick-ups at Hico Baptist Church (which was halfway between Tommy and Stefanie's house and our own), and of Joseph's scheduled feedings, diaper changes, and naps. I had no idea what God had planned, and how we would forever change our lives on October 18, 2005.

That day started like any other. Jeremy was home for a bit that morning, and so he kept Olivia and Jack at home while I made the trip to Hico to pick up Joseph. I can see it like it was yesterday. After Stef gave some instructions, kissed Joseph and said her goodbyes, we were off to the house. The morning was uneventful other than Joseph having a monstrous spit up after eating his bottle and before his midday nap. Spitting up was common for Joseph, but he got me good that time. Let's just say it required a complete change of clothing on my part. After I changed Joseph, I got him all settled down for his nap. The kids and I played with toys in the same room where he slept, I put away laundry, and I checked on him several times. Right before putting Olivia and Jack down for their naps, I checked on Joseph again right before 12pm. I will never forget that moment. The moment when I realized that Joseph wasn't breathing. The moments that followed felt like an eternity. Olivia and Jack were by my side the entire time. They are moments that come to my mind often. Some of the most heart-wrenching and painful moments of my life. But in the midst of agony, there was also beauty. Tommy and Stefanie were unwavering in their care and concern for me. In the midst of the worst moments of their lives, the fact that they even thought of me leaves me speechless to this day. Tommy crawling out of the police car just to embrace me and tell me everything is going to be okay. The gift of being able to dress Joseph for the last time. The beauty of kneeling before Stefanie with Joseph's head in my hands while she called out to our Heavenly Father brokenhearted but rejoicing in praise for the gift of mothering Joseph. I remember locking eyes with Tommy as she prayed. We both knew that it was as if heaven had opened, and Stefanie was surrendering her most precious gift back to Jesus. I felt as if I was truly on holy ground. Joseph's memorial service was perfect, and the love that Tommy and Stefanie had for him could not have been more beautifully conveyed than when Stefanie read the letter she had written to her sweet boy. I could go on and on.

Jeremy often reminds me that we make God so small when we try to pinpoint one specific "why" for the trials He brings into our lives. God has used Joseph's life and death to touch many people, and I know that He is continuing to use Tommy and Stefanie to this day to encourage others. I promised Joseph, as I held him for the last time, that my life would change. That I would be better for loving him. God has grown me and changed me through all of this, but it hasn't been easy. I have dealt with immense guilt for not being able to save Joseph. It has been a lesson in surrender. Surrender to God's sovereignty. It meant acknowledging that I trust and believe that God is the giver and taker of life, that He appoints a specific day for every man to die, that He orchestrates the events in our lives primarily for His glory, but also for our good if we love Him. I would be remiss if I did not mention how God has used the unconditional love of my husband and the gift of his wise council to see me through what would have been unbearable to endure without his loving support. Jeremy has been my greatest confidant. He knows my thoughts in my darkest moments when I am allowing myself to get swallowed up in grief. Those moments when I am tempted to make God small and me big. None of this is about me. It is about my Heavenly Father, and how He chose to use the life of a precious little boy named Joseph Todd Nance to bring Him infinite glory and to remind us all that His ways are past our understanding and that we can find comfort in knowing that He indeed brings beauty from the ashes of our lives.

Choosing to see the beauty in the suffering of losing Joseph, prepared me to see the beauty in Autism. "Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor? Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen." Romans 1:33-36

The Impact of Autism on the Rest of the Family

- from Jeremy

We've talked a lot on here about the boys and their needs, and also about how Christy and I feel about and are impacted by their needs. Today I want to focus on the impact that the boys have on the other members of the family and the impact that others have on the boys and us. Don't worry if you didn't get all of those prepositions - just keep reading and all will be revealed.

Let's start with siblings. What must it be like to grow up with a severely Autistic younger brother? Or better yet, to grow up with two severely Autistic older brothers? Jo and Jay are bracketed by their older siblings, Liv and Jack, and by their younger sibling, Doo-doo. We used to call him that because it rhymes, but now it's more for his stinky attitude. Liv can remember when Jo was a baby, before the disgnosis. She has lived through the changes that have come into our lives with this disorder. Her interactions with Jo are not unkind, but she does have to watch for his aggression as he is almost her size. She also takes care that he not get in her room unsupervised as he is rough on frilly and fragile things. It's like she had a baby brother that got bigger, but never got any less baby about him. It's similar with Liv and Jay. She remembers when we brought him into our home through adoption, and like Jo, he has always been her baby brother and in most of the ways that matter in human relationships, he is still her baby brother. That doesn't sound like such a sad thing until you consider the boon and felicity that a sibling relationship can be. What has she missed and what will she be deprived of in not having a strapping brother Jo to defend her and a clever brother Jay to befriend her?

Jack is similar in a lot of ways, but also more affected in others. He remembers, but not as well, the times before Autism. In the same way his baby brothers have stayed babies. But Jack lives with them in a visceral and muscular way that Liv doesn't. Jack shares his room from necessity while Liv spares her room from calamity. There is a rivalry between he and the boys that apparently doesn't enter into Liv's mind. It is easy for me, having never had a disabled sibling, to judge Jack harshly for reacting the way he does to Jo and Jay, but I know I'm wrong to do so. It's easy to say, "he doesn't know any better," when Jo breaks something of Jack's, or to say, "he didn't mean to," when Jay spoils something of Jack's making. But the easy thing is seldom the right thing in life. The truth is that Jack is a great big brother. He puts up with a lot from them and protects them from a lot. Now, he is quick of temper and will sometimes lash out and shove Jo or get fed-up and put Jay in a headlock, but he watches for them and he saves them from themselves very often. And he and Doo-doo are thick as thieves and wonderful playmates, even given their age difference. I really don't know how to guide Jack in being a big brother to these guys. I teach him and model for him a kindness to helpless things and a compassion to errant beings, and I pray that the kernel of that truth will guide his thoughts and actions toward his brothers.

The baby is the one I think about the most when it comes to relating to Autistic siblings. Imagine how it is for a three-year-old to have a towering, speechless, frantic and erratic big brother. He has only ever known life with Jo in it. And a lot of what he's known of Jo is assault and battery. When he was little Jo would jump on him. As he started to toddle Jo would knock him down. Even now we keep the baby's hair short so he doesn't get dragged to the ground by it. Jo loves the baby, and the way he shows that love is the same way he shows Christy and I and the furniture and the mirror and the TV - he beats on us. We've taught him to be tough and to steer clear and to keep his back to the wall, but it breaks my heart to see him so defensive around his big brother. Our cultural paradigm is that the big brother may be rough on us, but he's also our greatest defender. Doo-doo has only the first half of that model to ever hope for from Jo.

The baby and Jay-jay is another matter. They're like Sid and Nancy - frighteningly compatible and amusingly explosive. They will play and laugh and tumble around and then scream and cry and run for cover. They have the most parity of anyone in the house - their weight at times is less than a pound different. Judah will wrestle Jalen out of the therapy swing and pin him to the ground, the both of them laughing. Other times on the sofa Jalen will deftly lay his foot along Judah's thigh in just the way that he knows will boil his blood. Shrieks of frustration and murderous anger follow soon after. It may be that with some of the strides we've seen in Jalen's development that one day he and Judah will have some normalcy in their relationship beyond just jousting, but it's a long shot. And Doo-doo has never really been the baby in the house - not truly. He's been one of the babies. And who knows what effect that will have on him in the long term. Will he resent what could and should have been? Or will his blindness to any life but this one allow him to take it all in stride?

And for all three of the siblings there is a big expectation from me and Christy: that they take our place in their brothers' lives if need be. We have regular discussions with Jack and Olivia about the need for them to love their brothers and care for their brothers. We've told them that if something happens to us then they will have to step up and protect these wordless baby-boys from any who would threaten them. We've provided for them to have wealth to do the job should we die, but they will have to supply the heart for the job. Our greatest fear as parents of disabled children is that we won't be there to care for them and defend them. Think of the gut-wrenching abuse that could befall a child who can tell none of his torment, who could make no defense of his own, who would struggle to even make sense of his world apart from the matrix that we maintain for them. So we lean on their brethren to stand in the gap, and that's a lot to ask of a child.

Another class of relation that we think of from time to time is cousins. Jo and Jay are blessed to have a bunch of cousins. Seven here in town with one more on the way, two far-flung cousins on the west coast and tons of cuzzins in South Carolina. Down there in Real Cackalackey we count just about anything as a cuzzin. I loved my cousins growing up and still count them as close confederates. Christy felt a closeness with her cousins as a child that was strengthened by regular family trips to the mountains where they'd all share in the soporific ease of the cabin her grandparents had built. A cousin is something between a brother and a friend, a special link, and a sometimes oasis within the family. And we see great evidence of love for Jo and Jay from their cousins. It gives us a chuckle to see the boy cousins running with them, and it warmed our souls to watch one of the girl cousins walk hand-in-hand with Jo around the yard. But you can't expect kids who don't live here to understand how to best relate to the boys. And we know that due to the needs the boys have that there have been times they got more resources portioned to them than their cousins did - particularly the resource of Papa and Meemaw.

And speaking of Papa and Meemaw. Both sets of grandparents as well as Jo and Jay's greatgrandma Sara have had to grapple with how best to grandparent our special needs boys. Again, we have the cultural paradigm of grandma guiding grandbabies through the customs of the kitchen and grandpa spoiling the young'uns with coins and candy - that doesn't work for Josiah and Jalen. It takes rigorous OJT for grandparents to even feel comfortable left alone with our boys. In fact, once a person reaches a certain physical maturity, they simply cannot be trusted to care for a child that will neither heed your warnings nor detect danger on their own. You have to be willing and able to guard these guys like . . . I want to use a sports analogy here, but as most of you know, I'm incapable. You know how basketball players stick close to one another and jostle around over the ball but never get too far away so as not to let the other guy make a shot. Maybe that's another sport, but you get the idea. If you can't catch Jo before he gets to the road, then you can't watch Jo. And that's sad to me because I was shaped so much as a person by my grandparents and greatgrandparents. I think of my Pawpaw Herd who was spry into his eighties, but not nearly spry enough to catch Jalen when he's doing the turn and burn. Forget going to grandma's house for the summer unless you want grandma in assisted living by the fall. So they look for ways to help, and they find them in abundance. Maybe not the normal grandparenting, but nevertheless showing the love they have in tangible, and sometimes not so tangible ways. Its odd to miss something that you never had, but I miss that Jo didn't get to go fishing as a 5-year-old as I did with my Papa. I miss that Jay never got to play banker in the kitchen at 4-years-old as I did with my Grandma Mary. Jo and Jay love their grandparents, and they are unrestrainedly loved by them, but it's different for them than the others and that stings a little.

I could go on and on. I could tell at length what terrific aunts and uncles the boys have, and they do. And I'm sure it's just as befuddling to them how exactly they should relate to the boys. I could talk about people at church for a long while. They have opened not only their hearts but their buildings and grounds to the boys without reservation. They minister to us daily in ways that others might not notice, but that are vital to our peace and happiness. They pray for us and encourage us and fix us amazing dinners and let us run between their legs in the Welcome Center and all with alacrity and agape love. They don't know quite how to react to the boys, especially when Jo pounds the sofa cushions behind their head or grabs them by the beard. But that's okay. We can't leave Jo under anyone's care, so either me or Christy or Meemaw are always with him, but the brethren find other ways to help. Various ladies work with Jay on-on-one in his classroom, and the church bought a special swing for Jo and provided a room for him to have a very special Sunday School class in. They cheer us on when the boys are making strides, and they didn't fuss when Jo pulled the fire alarm that time. Didn't even say a word - just silenced the alarm and opened the fire doors back up. The boys are devilishly tough to take to church, but the church loves them and us.

Alright, I'm good and welled-up. The point of all this is the same as ever: special people are demanding people, and those who care for them need special grace, but God is so kind to us in all His ways through Jesus. Pray for us, and praise with us that He has been good to this family every single day, and we have confidence that we can trust Him to be steady on.

Farther On the Journey

We are so pleased and grateful to present a guest post from Ken Delorge. I don't know if he and his wife Claudette are honorary La Tour/Verroi's or if we all are honorary Delorge's, but either way we love them like family. Christy and I are at the beginning of our journey with Josiah and Jalen, but Ken and his family have walked the path through to its earthly end with his sister Susie. Though this is a story that ends in death, it is not a tragedy. From Ken's introduction and the eulogy that he wrote for her, you will hear a love story that ends in jubilation. Today is her second anniversary in Heaven, and we know she is unfettered by disability and expectantly awaiting reunion. For the impact that she had on Ken and the impact that he's had on us, we thank our loving God.

It has been two years since my younger sister Susie passed away due to respiratory complications. As the following eulogy explains, she was a special needs child born into a world that was in a time of tremendous transition and turmoil. As Bob Dylan sang, “the times they were a changing,” but the times were also still dark and insensitive when it came to having children or siblings with special needs. Oscar Pistorius and his phenomenal races during the recently held London Olympic Games highlight the changes that have occurred in the ensuing four decades since my sister’s birth. Those of us personally effected by “special needs” or “differently abled” children rejoiced at his accomplishments. We all have a long way to go and grow when it comes to accepting those that are unlike us. Christians need to completely develop a Christ-like acceptance of others. Those that have not accepted Christ as Savior need to see their own special need: salvation through and in Jesus. Once that has been addressed then and only then can one genuinely accept others as God has created them. 

I remember with great clarity the ignorance and pettiness that I endured as a neighbor railed on me about my sister the “retard”. It is with tears in my eyes that I recall the struggle my Mom had with Susie, and how coming home from school I would gently rock her in my rocking chair and sing songs to her that my Memere Gosselin had taught me. The rocking would calm my sister and provide some relief to my Mom.

As you read this post, be thankful for the family and friends that the LORD in HIS providence has placed into your life. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made. We are so precious in HIS sight that HE freely gave HIS son to die on the cross for each of us - a free gift given to any and all that receive it. I am who I am today because of my sister. For thirty years now I have worked as a teacher due to my love for Susie, as I said at her funeral she is my hero, she is in heaven and I just can’t wait to see her there.

Susie's Eulogy

First of all, on behalf of Mom and Dad, Robby and I and our families thank you for your prayers and support over the past few weeks. We do not know why God choose to take Susan in the manner that HE did, but we know that in “everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven. A time to be born, and a time to die; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, a time to embrace, and a time to love.”

These past few weeks our family has experienced all these things and each one of us has taken the opportunity to look back and reflect upon our shared journey with Susie these past 44 years.  It has been quite a journey….

Susan Cecil Delorge was born on September 8, 1966 at the Webber Hospital in Biddeford Maine.

Throughout the past 44 years Susie taught us how to love unconditionally, she loved us completely, never expecting or demanding our love in return. But how could we not love her, one of God’s little angels, given to us as an undeserved gift from above.

“Love is patient and kind, love does not envy or boast… love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”  That was the heavenly love that Susie gave to each one of us. 

As a young boy, I can remember asking GOD to heal Susie, to allow me to change places with her. I just didn’t understand why HE made Susie the way HE did. "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child." I spoke with child like faith to GOD, and thought and reasoned as a child. I just didn’t understand why; none of us did.

Each one of us grows up with dreams, dreams of meeting Mr. or Miss Right, of getting married and starting a family. Mom and Dad were no different. Married on September 2, 1957, they started to live their dream together, Robby came first on July 11, 1958, and I showed up on March 29, 1960. Summers can be hot, and if you know my mother, she hates the heat, so the summer of 1966 must have been a touch uncomfortable for her, but she made it through the summer with our visits to Keoka Lake.  Finally the day arrived and Susie joined our family, Mom and Dad knew something was different with their little girl, she was a gift from GOD that was special and she would have guardian angels working overtime watching over her, not because she might get in trouble - Robby and I would need them for that - but because of her special needs. 

Susie’s special needs led her to many places, and allowed her to the touch the lives of countless people, Mrs. Barton in Derry NH, the folks at Pineland Center, and for the past 16 years the staff at Windmill Farms in Springvale.  Everywhere she went she seemed to enjoy herself, whether it was at the beach, at Camp Waban, at a farm to pet the animals, at the bowling alley with her friends at Windmill farms, or at the Special Olympics. Susie just wanted to enjoy her time with her friends and family, in her own way she made every day a masterpiece. Everyone that she touched will miss her simple artistry. 

“And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them… But Jesus saw it… and said to them “Let the little children come unto me, do not hinder them, for such belongs to the kingdom of God… And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands upon them.”

Today we grieve, we mourn, and we hurt, how much greater would that sadness be if we had never had Susie in our lives. Each one of us here has been simply blessed by that little girl with the infectious smile and giggle.

Today we have this hope… that "He will wipe every tear from our eyes, …neither shall there be any mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have been taken away."

Susie spent this life confined to the earthly body GOD gave her, but today she walks upon streets of gold, today she talks with Jesus. Today let us remember the little girl that touched our lives with the unconditional love of GOD, let us look upon all of GOD’s children as fearfully and wonderfully made. As precious angels in His sight, just as we looked upon Susie, our daughter, sister, niece, cousin and aunt.  

We love you Susie, I love you Susie; I can't wait to see you again someday…

Giving and Taking Offence: %-words

- from Jeremy

My great grampaw's generation didn't get too hung up on something that we are steady worried about: sensitivity. A person in the public eye these days has to choose their words with exhaustive care lest he/she/it offend someone. We are at once more crass and vulgar as a society than we have ever been, and yet incredibly touchy and petulant. It's really laughable except the part about having to live in it. Modern America would make a terrific Far Side comic or even a great SNL sketch, but it actually is quite taxing when you have to go out in it every day. Allow me to illustrate:

Dateline Wilmington, NC some ten years ago. A public school teacher is given a formal reprimand and told she lacks sensitivity. Her crime? Using a word to describe a character in some literature the class was studying. A parent complained, saying that the word offended her because "it sounds similar to a racial slur."* Now, it's not a racial slur. The definition is,"not generous; stingy," and is of Scandinavian origin lacking any shared etymology with any racial slur. This is sort of like giving someone a thumbs-up and being accused of offense as it looks similar to another gesture of upraised digit. Might that be a little too sensitive?

In fact, if you Google the word "offended" you come up with quite the litany of tragic headlines: "Crawford offended by officer's words," "Atheist group offended by Ag secretary's praying for rain," "Rudy Giuliani offended by 'Ted,'" and my favorite, "Justin Bieber offended by Timberlake comparison." Taking offense is the new American pastime and if the offense or the offended are impressive enough then we will hear about it night and day through what used to be news outlets. Who can forget the great moments in offensive behavior like Don Imus and the Rutgers women's basketball team, or Rush Limbaugh and Sandra Fluke, or Waldenbooks and the AFA, or President Obama and his "special needs kid" bowling performance?

Maybe that last one is more memorable for me. I admit that it hurts when somebody uses the word "retarded" to refer to something they think is lacking or silly or disappointing. Probably it hurts the same way "gay" does when used in that shorthand way. It stings in a way that the "n" word does - albeit probably less and obviously vicariously. We can debate sensitivity and homophobia and racism until the cows come home, but I don't need to be argued into not hurting people. I don't want to hurt with my words. But is it morally wrong to? And how should I react when someone does hurt me or a loved one with their words?

I wasn't always this way. I was 14 once too, you know. I've made my share of jokes that belittled or offended. I've let my glance linger too long on someone in public who was clearly struggling with a disability of some kind. I've said unhelpful things and failed to do helpful things. I've laughed at or failed to confront others who've done the same. And I'm rightly ashamed of that. So what could someone have done to help me see the nature of my behavior when I was 14? If you know anything about teenagers, or if like me you've been one at some point, then you know it's tough to get them to think of others first. So maybe I couldn't be helped when I was 14. But I know better now, and I know that Jack and Olivia know better. I've never had to tell them to be hurt when someone laughs at Josiah's difficulties - they live with him and love him and they hurt for him and take offense for him. And for Jalen, though he doesn't often make quite the same public spectacle.

There's actually a great deal of guidance from the Bible on this subject. Maybe what's needed here is a list. Let's see if we can do one up with some nice bullet points and so forth.

• Oh yeah, this is nice.
• First of all, we shouldn't talk ugly. It's pretty basic. Like your mother told you, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. This goes double for Christians and triple for when you're talking to an unbeliever. It's hard for me to believe that Jesus would hazard a person's feelings to make a joke, or to advance a political agenda, or to make himself feel superior. And He was superior! There is certainly a way to speak of any subject - even something of intense disagreement - without being offensive. Maybe the implication of the message has to offend, but the words of the messenger shouldn't. We're not all going to agree, but we can be civil.
• Secondly, the Bible tells us that Jesus was difficult to offend. Not impossible, but nearly so. People called Him all kinds of names and spread pretty nasty rumors about Him (and still do), and He took it all in stride. He just blew it off or defused it, but He never demanded an apology or pouted or called His local representative to the Roman Senate. A big part of the character of Jesus during His ministry was humility. It's impossible to understand the mission and message of Jesus apart from the Kenosis. That's the theological term for His act of emptying Himself of all His rights and privileges and taking on the role and form of a servant - with no rights and privileges. Being offended feels like a violation of our human rights, but it's not really. And for Christians, we are told to expect the same treatment that our Lord received.
• Third, insults and injuries and offenses are no different than the other trials that come into our life. Just like disease, hardship, persecution and calamity, insults are a weakness that we can rejoice in and thank God for. Why? Paul told his friends in Corinth that God brings these things into our life purposefully and graciously to make us more like Jesus. No one can do anything to us that God hasn't allowed in His plan. Not even the devil. If you don't believe me, read the book of Job. Notice who brought up the whole subject of Job. Yeah, that's God deciding what will come into the life of His creation, and the devil carrying it out. So the main need of our life is not health and wealth and satisfying relationships - the main need is friendship with Jesus and character that mirrors His. Let's face it, winning the lotto and having everyone in your life fawn over you doesn't exactly send you on a quest for answers. But cancer will. And homelessness will. And a deep emotional cut that hurts the more you think about it. That will.

So let's bring it on home. Should that teacher have been run out of town for using that word? No. Should I ever use it now that I know how hurtful and offensive it can be? I should definitely not. It's my right as an American to say whatever I want, but it's my responsibility as a follower of Jesus to not offend. Should Don Imus have said what he did about those young women on the radio? Certainly not, he shouldn't have said it anywhere to anyone. Should President Obama have made that crack about special needs kids? No way, and I'm sure he wishes he could take it back. Just like Rush probably wishes he could re-do his Sandra Fluke moment. Should Justin Bieber be offended at being compared to Justin Timberlake? Yes, maybe, and no.

* "Teacher reprimanded for word choice". Wilmington Star-News. September 4, 2002

How ACS prepared me for Autism

- from Christy

People occasionally ask me what my initial reaction was when we realized Josiah most likely had Autism. I was sitting at our dining room table in Eli Whitney with Tammy our service coordinator with the Children's Developmental Services Agency. She asked a lot of questions, watched Josiah for a while, and finally acknowledged that our concerns were understandable. And while she couldn't give us an official diagnosis that day, I knew and never again doubted that Autism was a reality for Josiah. My first thought in that moment was how sad it would be if Josiah were never able to attend Alamance Christian School. My parents had worked at ACS my entire life. It meant home and family and safety and loyalty and pride and faith and foundation and so much more. I had taken for granted the fact that all our children would attend school there. Papa and Meemaw would always be right around the hall just like they had always been for me, and perhaps after all of our children were school age I would go to work at ACS too. My Daddy often says that he bleeds the school colors of royal blue. I have always felt the same. But in that moment, I felt all of that slipping away. I felt the deep sadness of a dream never coming true, the heartache of a parent knowing that one of their children suddenly did not belong, and the fear of Josiah not being a part of something that I have always held so dear.

Our early years at ACS.

As a child, I did not know the life long and eternal impact that being a part of Alamance would have on my life. Through the gift of godly parents, attending and learning at Beacon Baptist Church, and being a part of the ACS family, God taught me precious truths about His love and care of His children and of His perfectly sovereign will for my life. Because of Alamance, I had the privilege of seeing first hand Christians like ACS alumnus Doug Roberts and ACS teacher Eddie Blalock face God's will of cancer for their lives with grace. Their faith in Christ's sovereignty even in the most difficult of circumstances made a significant impact on the way I viewed God's will. Being taught by educators who viewed their jobs as a ministry and whose desire was to be used by God, made me want the same for my own life. You see, it was about so much more than learning multiplication facts and state capitals. It was about learning of my need of Jesus, my complete dependency upon Him, and of the importance of yielding to His perfect will for my life.

Faithfully Yielding. I believe that is my life's purpose. I believe that is how God is using the Verroi family. Our mission field, our calling, is that we will choose to faithfully yield to God's sovereign will for our lives. We have tied the knot in the end of our rope, and we are holding on to faith. Faith in our Heavenly Father who has chosen premature birth, infant death, miscarriage, meningitis, adoption, unexpected diagnosis, and even Autism to bring about His perfect will for our lives. A will, first and foremost, that brings Him glory, and that will be for our eternal good. Lessons I learned while walking the halls, sitting in classrooms, playing on the courts, performing in plays and singing in the chorale, and sitting under the teaching of the faculty and staff of Alamance Christian School.

Leaving for our first day of school.

During the 2010-2011 school year, Mr. Daniel Freeman, faithful educator and administrator at ACS for 19 years, took a chance on our Autistic boys. He allowed Josiah and Jalen to attend school at Alamance. The teachers went out of their comfort zones and so did he to give our boys a chance. Because the boy's Autism is very severe, after much prayer, we decided to home school them in 2012. That 2010 school year is one that I will forever cherish. And perhaps someday, our boys will return to ACS. My prayer is that God will use Alamance Christian School for years to come, and that many more kids will benefit from the precious gift of attending such a remarkable place. 

First day of school 2010.

Jalen began attending school right before Christmas 2010.

Josiah in his classroom.