Outgrowing Josiah

- from Christy

It's been a few weeks since I posted last. The biggest reason being that I've had a lot on my mind, and I haven't been sure which thoughts should be shared next. Living with this disorder causes me to never be short on emotion. It's overwhelming. My tendency to ramble is EVEN GREATER during these times, and I don't want this blog filled with my vapid ramblings. I also feel a responsibility to "post positive." Mama always said, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." The truth is that I feel completely broken at times while having confidence in knowing that our God is perfectly sovereign in all of this.

The title of this post was inspired by an article a friend of ours posted on facebook recently. It was written by a mom of a child living with Autism. I could relate to her perspective completely, and I felt comfort in knowing that I was not the only parent heartsick over the fact that the children around us are outgrowing our boy.

In an endeavor to let the boys run out some of their energy and have a little added social interaction, I have been taking them up to the Christian school where our oldest two kids attend. Josiah and Jalen both attended school there last year, and it has been nice the past two weeks to visit a couple of days during morning playtime in the gym. Seeing Josiah around children his same age causes me sadness that I have difficulty explaining. I'm sure I'll have this same emotional struggle as Jalen gets older too, but Jalen is still babyish. I'm sure the fact that Jalen is so smart has helped to delay these feelings also.

But it's a different story with my precious Josiah. Seeing him run around with the other five-year-old kids and knowing that they are all potty trained, and talking, and independent, makes me long for these same things for my boy. They will soon be standing in cap and gown at their kindergarten graduations, receiving their diplomas as their parents and family watch with pride. There will be no reserved seats for us on that night. These children will move through elementary school, and high school, and college. They will marry someday and have children. I would be lying if I didn't admit that sometimes I long to stop time. I long to give my precious boy time to catch up. But time just keeps ticking by, and Josiah's development continues to stay frozen.

I allow myself these moments of sadness. The pain is a reality that is best dealt with head on. And, when the moment passes, I see the beauty of my child. He has the most angelic hazel eyes that look deeply into your soul. He loves unconditionally. He has no concept of hate or prejudice. He has never spoken an unkind word. I'm his Mama, and he's my boy. I love him, and I am profoundly proud of him. I pray that I never lose sight of his beauty. The pain of other children outgrowing my sweet boy will always be there, but the joy of him being mine forever will be too.